Sideways Daze
This morning I woke with this thought "Thank goodness none of that is true!"
I don't seem to have nightmares the way I did when I was younger. I now only have bad dreams. They include all the horror, blood, trauma, and horrible happenings to myself or people I care for, but I don't wake up with my heart pounding. So, yay for small favors.
I think I've mentioned before that I read somewhere that it's best if we don't look at our phones first thing in the morning. It reminds us of stuff we need to do earlier than we can handle it. But... it's my clock! So it was my unlucky fate to see at 0830 that I'd received a text an hour earlier from my least favorite boss.
I currently have three jobs. I really like all my jobs. I really like two of my bosses. I really don't like my third boss, but she is the gate keeper for the high paying job and, even though that job has been mostly absent during the pandemic, it's worth keeping it for a time when it will again make me All. The. Money.
What Third Boss said this morning was something along the lines of "aren't you excited to work the next three Wednesdays?" And I thought... "I'm only aware of two jobs coming up next Wednesday and the Wednesday after..."
You wouldn't think this would be a big issue, but in times past Third Boss has called my employment into question when I didn't understand a thing about the schedule. Now, during the pandemic she's stopped doing such things as making and sending out a calendar. In fact, she only communicates with us via text, and I'm assiduous about putting dates into my calendar. And she hasn't gotten back to me about my taxes yet nor a date in November that I believe she may not have paid me for. So... I just wasn't really ready to deal with her just at this moment.
I hid under the covers while one of the cats tucked himself into a crook of body until the dog indicated that he needed to go out. I stumbled into clothing much like someone who hadn't had their V8.
(Is it any wonder how I grew up with the idea of women supporting men?)
The dog needed to go so badly he didn't even stop to procure treats for not lunging at two cats we passed.
The need assuaged, we went inside and I made my tea. I sat down and responded to Third Boss.
"Oh, what's on the 10th? UCSD?"
She said "Yup" and I said "Sounds good," thinking to myself that if she fires me, at this point, it might be fine. Sure, I'd lose a job I like doing and gives me much money when I'm able to do it (like not during a pandemic), but F it.
While my tea cooled, I set about to do my morning breathing exercises, because that is how we exercise in a pandemic, except it seemed to me that actually it was time to talk to my sister.
I called one whom I thought would have time to say such things as, "Oh I absolutely know how that is!" and have such conversations as, "Yeah that is uncool. You should totally kick them." She did say such things, and I was gratified. And while I was on the phone with her, our robot vacuum came on for its scheduled Friday upkeep.
If you don't have a robot vacuum... you might be much better at housework than I am. I'm not going to write a review here, but it is a useful tool for those of us who just can't quite... ...but dirt makes it worse.
Normally the robot vacuum that we affectionately call vaccy, is quiet enough that I can work while it's on. But talking on the phone is much more difficult. So I spent vaccy's useable battery life talking in the bedroom. A thing about a robot vacuum as inexpensive as this one is that it has no understanding of the layout of our home. The vacuuming is completely random. So I certainly noticed that it didn't spend time in the bedroom today, but no matter, I knew it had been in there some days previously. What wasn't so clear (since I was in the other room) was that it wasn't vacuuming the main room either.
Nope, not going to clean there
At least, the popcorn crumbs I'd seen on the floor the night before were still there when vaccy gave up and went home to charge. And why didn't I just pick up the popcorn myself? Yeah... remember as how I mentioned just not being able to quite...
I got off the phone to get to work. But I saw that I'd received a text whilst on the phone so I checked and it was a realtor getting back to me.
You see, Adam referred us to a new realtor because we're looking at some property outside his area of comfort. This is the realtor whom I told (including Adam) that there was a property we were very interested in and wanted to see (along with a list of other properties) and it took them so long to get back to us that the property was sold. We still haven't heard about the rest of the list.
Yesterday I emailed the new realtor and said that I'd not been receiving emails as she indicated I would. So the text this morning was from her office saying "gosh we've sent you many emails to this [incorrect] email address. Oh and the questions you asked in email a week ago about tax sale auctions, we just can't answer." This would be less galling if it weren't for the fact that we confirmed my email over the phone and clearly they were getting emails from me so... could they not copy and paste my email into the necessary place to send me an email back?
So, I wrote back that they should try my [correct] email address.
I was pretty ticked off at this point. I realize email is easy to misinterpret, but well, I was annoyed anyway. So, I wrote an email to the real estate company that has been really helpful anytime I need a thing and asked to work with them despite the fact that they tend to work in a different county.
And at long last, I sat down to work. But something was wrong. What? I didn't know but maybe... I was hungry? So I got up and heated up my morning bowl of Oatmeal with Many Fruits and Cinnamon. And I ate it. Sure, some of it ended up on the floor where the cat confirmed that he doesn't like fruit, but I didn't eat that part.
Ok, I'm ready to work now, right? I sat down and started looking at some research I needed to do. I started my daily email to Second Boss detailing the work accomplished. I figured out a thing. Wrote it down. Got a text from the real estate company... the one I'd asked to work with, but it seemed like a bot. So I didn't respond.
I started trying to find the resources I needed to do another part of the job and the resources weren't where Second Boss said to find them. And frankly, Second Boss is having a week because last week was the busiest week of the year and this week a bunch of her staff are out, so I didn't want to bug her. So I tried to find the resources a different way but the website wasn't working.
In the midst of this I got a message from Second Boss about a different issue I'd had with some work the day before. So I flipped back and forth between her telling me sporadically to try some things and trying to find the information I needed for a different thing.
Then I got an email from the real estate company I'd asked to work with saying:
"Hi Kathryn,
We received your email and appreciate you wanting to work with us. As we have discussed before we service Riverside and San Bernardino counties primarily. We also do service the San Diego area for residential home sales on occasion but for it to make sense for us business-wise the property value would need to be over $350k for us to be willing to make that kind of commute. Most of the time our San Diego clientele comes from clients we are re-locating from this area to that area and/or clients we have previous relationships with.
Our primary service is residential home sales. We do handle some land sales in our service areas but for us to engage with land sales it is typically large parcels with higher values or commercial parcels.
We would strongly suggest for what you are looking for in regards to land it would be best to find someone in your area to assist you or contact the listing agent of the parcel of interest.
We wish you the best of luck in your endeavor. This real estate market is very challenging and competitive right now and can be frustrating especially for buyers.
Stay Safe and Stay Healthy!"
What is frustrating about this is that, yes, Chris and I used to be only looking for land, but now we're more interested in land with an existing small home. And I absolutely realize that this is a simple miscommunication that I could easily rectify with an email, but I just... couldn't.
You know how you feel like you have some back up plan if everything goes to shit? Well, in terms of real estate agents, these folks were my back up plan. And this email just kind of shattered my illusion that I had anywhere to turn for additional help trying to get the ducks in a row. A little melodramatic, yes, but this is just how I was feeling at the time.
If you're feeling like this story is a little disjointed, that's because that's how my day was up to this point. I couldn't settle in and focus enough on anything. I'm often very good at multitasking, meaning I can switch between things that need attention pretty well. But... not today.
I decided to take a break. I played my meaningless game that gives me small bursts of dopamine for a short time and then decided that I should take a bike ride. Bicycle rides are a new thing this week. I asked Chris to make my bicycle road ready and he did last weekend. And a ride already solved one anxiety attack this week, so I figured I should try with what was going on today.
I sent an email to Second Boss to say I'm having a day and I'm taking my bike ride earlier than usual. This is the great thing about mostly making your own hours. When you're having a day, you just move those hours elsewhere.
The downer to this is that I'm scrupulous. What I mean is, when you have an 8-5 job, there is plenty of time you spend not working and still getting paid. It's not only going to the bathroom, it's non-work related conversations, and you took a few (read: 20) minutes to check FB or IG, and then you needed to get your mind back on track so you played a round of Minesweeper (ok, it's been a decade since I had a FT job and I know my game choice shows that). But when I work from home, I don't leave my time clock on for things like that. Making tea? Yeah. Going to the bathroom? Yes. But taking a break? No. Having a conversation not about work? No. So I end up being probably more productive than most 8-5ers, but charging fewer billable hours. And I fear with the frequency I have sideways days and anxiety attacks, I may not be able to have an 8-5 ever again.
Should I leave my clock on while I do some of these things? Well, here's the thing, I really want to get the work done and I have a limit to the number of hours I can work in a given pay period. So... I'm able to get more of it done if I don't charge for that convo with Chris about whether a snowblower could propel you on ice skates.
As I was leaving to ride down to the lakes, I got this text from Third Boss:
"Hey Kate. Any chance you'd teach only one of the two dates San Marcos? I can only bill for 23 students not 24 students since the student got covid. So I have four of us both dates and thought it would be 12 students each. No pressure, but if you don't want to work one of those dates, I can add you in somewhere else down the road. But it's fine if you want to forgo one of the dates. They haven't told me how they're splitting the class yet, so I could let you know. But it's fine if you want to show up both dates. I understand."
Whaaaa? Not only am I quite unsure what she's talking about, but it sounds like she wants me to give up work that I would normally get paid for? Like... yeah, if a student dropped out, someone gets one fewer student and so that person's pay is lower, but ... you'd still make money! And then she turns it around... like... I could not work if I don't want to work but if I do it's ok? I just can't handle this right now!
I got my bike out to ride down to the lakes where the ducks are definitely not in rows and really, we'd be worried if they were. My first task was to put the chain back on the gear. How does your chain slip when you haven't even ridden it yet? I don't know, but it meant I was starting my ride with oil blackened fingers.
As I got to the lakes, the beautiful Great White Egret that lives along the side flew close over my head. It was breathtaking until I recognized the barely alive Great Brown Rat in its beak. *shudder*
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| I am prettiest without a rat in my beak |
I continued around the lakes where I normally adore looking at all the duckies doing adorable things like ducky headstands.
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| So funny to watch |
Today though, what I mostly saw were crows with unidentifiable dead things in their beaks. Why? Why so many dead things? Did I come at lunch time?
I was puffing up the not at all steep incline on the way back up the other side of the lakes when I decided to go around again. I mean,
- WTH??!?! Dead things!
- When your exercise has consisted of breathing for the last few months, you need to do more biking to fit back in your ass hole jeans. They were at the end of the range of non-elasticized waist pants I have left in my closet and I'm not buying new pants online.
I took another (happily uneventful) trek around the lakes. I got to see a pelican settle its big birdie butt on the rock I used to look out onto while biking to and from phlebotomy school. And yes, I'm still a phlebotomist until my license runs out in a few months. And no, strangely I do not want to get paid for stabbing people. I don't know why exactly but it's one of the most anxiety inducing tasks I've ever done for eight hours a day. It's boring and stressful all at the same poisonous time. And no one is happy to see a phlebotomist, ever.
Then I huffed and puffed my way back up the hill stopping only twice to mildly die. When I got home, it was somehow still not time to get back to work. Was I hungry? No... I didn't think so. Did I want a glass of wine? I nearly had one. It's the kind of headspace where a little downer might just soothe the fruit flies.
But no... you don't drink and work at the same time. So I sat playing my mindless/dopamine game and listening to Spotify.
Whitney Houston didn't do it. The theme song to Ghostbusters didn't do it. Somewhere around I Want You by Soundgarden something clicked and I could put down the game and come back to the computer. I sat down to get into my work and...
Please understand that this is very unusual for me. Not that I find I can't work but that I find I can't work for a reason I can't figure out. Work is generally what I turn to when something is bothering me. It is grounding and helps me modulate my emotions. It's soothing the way that someone else might find hair brushing or knitting. It's a thing I know how to do and doing it affirms my sense of self and safety. That is, until I have to deal with something unpleasant, but that's why I mostly work alone with words and numbers. They tend to get unpleasant only in metaphor.
Around 3 I decided that work was not going to happen today and gave up. Tomorrow: I'll try to work. I'll try to respond to the realtor. I'll try to figure out what to ask or tell Third Boss. Tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time...
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